1.
The decision has been made to meditate more often. (Why? Despair needs a drug, one without negative side effects, one whose beneficial effects last). These meditation blog entries will monitor progress, if any. The purpose of the blog is dual; the other facet is reaching others in a similar condition, and, it is hoped, to inspire them to change. Details of my state and progress will be revealed only to the degree that what is written may help others. Perhaps these words will remain unread, or read only by a very few; if it reaches one, (even if it's only me?), that will be enough. Comments are welcome.
We are, in Maryland, on day 67 of the 'lockdown,' that is, a gubernatorial shelter-in-place order to reduce the spread of the coronavirus. We are to remain at home; we are directed to wear masks in public. Walks and grocery shopping are allowed; we are to maintain "social distancing"--that is, keeping a six-foot separation from everyone we encounter. We wife and I, of course, don't apply the six-feet rule to ourselves; we have been following the guideline strictly, however. We are, after all, as seniors, in a high-risk group, doubly high for me, since I have a few underlying conditions.
It has been relatively easy for us, but it's still quite hard sometimes. I am retired, and most of the things I like to do--reading, writing, playing the piano. etc. I can do at home. Nirmala still works as a pediatrician, but has drastically reduced her hours and does telemedicine from home as well. She does her best to see to it that her patients receive their scheduled vaccinations, which is a very noble goal. She wears gloves, a mask, a face shield and a white coat--gowns remain unavailable--whenever she has to examine a patient. Only one patient and one family member are allowed at the office at a time. I am grateful for the extra time I spend with her.
2.
I am one of the lucky ones. So many people of working age have lost their source of income and are wondering how to pay for food, medicines and rent. The current rate of unemployment is 14.7%, the worst since the Great Depression; things are obviously going to get worse before getting better. The lack of health care, the provision of which should have been universal for a long time, as it is in most other countries, is especially acute, since loss of employment eventually results in loss of employer-based health care, the major method most Americans receive their health care.
Furthermore, our expenses are low; we receive enough from Social Security and a small pension to live on.
Worse have been the number deaths from the virus. At the time of this writing, over 100,000 Americans have died from the current plague in a matter of months. To give you a good idea of how many this is, I include a picture of a stadium filled with 100,000 spectators:
Most of the deaths occurred in senior citizens. Many victims had underlying health conditions. The majority were men. In addition, the end-in-sight might be illusory. It is heart-rending.
I feel guilty. Age is like a bone spur, an excuse from enlisting. Once things go back to, more or less, normal, I can begin volunteering again. Until then, I must work on myself.
Regarding the one little person that I am, increased free time periodically results in rumination and depression. Retirees often suffer from loss of purpose and loss of self-worth; these have been compounded for me during this period of not being able to do many of the things that eased these tendencies during normal times.
It runs in the family. My father succumbed to depression in 1967, for instance. Feeling increasingly bad, I recently took an online questionnaire regarding depression. If one obtains a score of 27 or above, the guidelines stated, one should get immediate treatment. I scored 70! Admittedly, I don't feel all the time as bad as I did when I competed the questionnaire, but still... I knew something had to be done. Professional treatment is not an option for me, for various reasons. I decided, on Wednesday, May 27, 2020 to increase time spent in meditation by a factor of six, and document the results in this periodic meditation blog. What (as of yet, possibly) works for me, might work for you. Such is my hope.
A serious mood disorder, though common, is a real killer. Killer of pulses and killer of dreams. Suicide, the tip of a very cold iceberg, has been increasing in the United States, especially among those of my gender, age, and ethnic background. Depression is like climbing a difficult mountain; "normal" might be pushing oneself uphill at a difficult incline and with a lot of huffing and puffing. Then "cliffs of fall frightful, sheer, no man-fathomed" arise--Hopkins knew a thing or two about depression--when one is dizzy, alone, and scared to death; painfully clinging to a jagged boulder, what is one to do? Yes, Hopkins, the mind has mountains, but they are, thankfully, metaphorical. You might feel that you are hanging onto a rock with no way of climbing down, but that is not the case. Our lives are short; metaphorical cliffs are even more impermanent that we are. Yes, time smooths all internal precipices, but time, if one is so inclined, might also result in having to climb another deadly mountain. And another.
I have decided to enable mind to guide two feet to choose level ground for as long as possible. I decided to train better that entity which Hindus believe to be the source of everything.
3.
The type of meditation I have begun, and will continue to practice is called vipassana (insight) meditation. It is a very beautiful form of concentration, the benefits of which often spill over into daily life. More about this in later articles. I intend to spend two hours in meditation daily, in two hourly sessions.
I will use the Oxford Happiness Questionnaire to monitor progress, which is as follows.
1-strongly disagree
2-moderately disagree
3-slightly disagree
4-slightly agree
5-moderately agree
6-strongly agree
1. I don't feel particularly pleased with the way I am. (R)
2. I am intensely interested in other people.
3. I feel that life is very rewarding.
4. I have very warm feelings towards almost everyone.
5. I rarely wake up feeling rested. (R)
6. I am not particularly optimistic about the future. (R)
7. I find most things amusing.
8. I am always committed and involved.
9. Life is good.
10.I do not think that the world is a good place. (R)
11.I laugh a lot.
12.I am well satisfied about everything in my life.
13.I don't look attractive. (R)
14.There is a gap between what I would like to do and what I have done. (R)
15.I am very happy.
16.I find beauty is some things.
17.I always have cheerful effect on others.
18.I can fit in (find time for) everything I want to
19.I feel that I am not especially in control of my life. (R)
20.I feel able to take anything on.
21 I feel fully mentally alert.
22.I often experience joy and elation.
23.I don't find it easy to make decisions. (R)
24.I don't have a particular sense of meaning and purpose in my life. (R)
25.I feel I have a great deal of energy.
26.I usually have a good influence on events.
27.I don't have fun with other people. (R)
28.I don't feel particularly healthy. (R)
29.I don't have particularly happy memories of the past. (R)
Any question marked (R) must be scored in reverse.
Add the numbers for all 29 questions.
Divide by 29.
This is a very rough estimate of what is expected through insight meditation, so I will include some subjective feelings and findings to mark any improvement or deterioration. I estimate my score to be at the time I began to increase my meditation to be 1.7, or 'not happy'. Not surprised.
To be continued.
The decision has been made to meditate more often. (Why? Despair needs a drug, one without negative side effects, one whose beneficial effects last). These meditation blog entries will monitor progress, if any. The purpose of the blog is dual; the other facet is reaching others in a similar condition, and, it is hoped, to inspire them to change. Details of my state and progress will be revealed only to the degree that what is written may help others. Perhaps these words will remain unread, or read only by a very few; if it reaches one, (even if it's only me?), that will be enough. Comments are welcome.
We are, in Maryland, on day 67 of the 'lockdown,' that is, a gubernatorial shelter-in-place order to reduce the spread of the coronavirus. We are to remain at home; we are directed to wear masks in public. Walks and grocery shopping are allowed; we are to maintain "social distancing"--that is, keeping a six-foot separation from everyone we encounter. We wife and I, of course, don't apply the six-feet rule to ourselves; we have been following the guideline strictly, however. We are, after all, as seniors, in a high-risk group, doubly high for me, since I have a few underlying conditions.
It has been relatively easy for us, but it's still quite hard sometimes. I am retired, and most of the things I like to do--reading, writing, playing the piano. etc. I can do at home. Nirmala still works as a pediatrician, but has drastically reduced her hours and does telemedicine from home as well. She does her best to see to it that her patients receive their scheduled vaccinations, which is a very noble goal. She wears gloves, a mask, a face shield and a white coat--gowns remain unavailable--whenever she has to examine a patient. Only one patient and one family member are allowed at the office at a time. I am grateful for the extra time I spend with her.
2.
I am one of the lucky ones. So many people of working age have lost their source of income and are wondering how to pay for food, medicines and rent. The current rate of unemployment is 14.7%, the worst since the Great Depression; things are obviously going to get worse before getting better. The lack of health care, the provision of which should have been universal for a long time, as it is in most other countries, is especially acute, since loss of employment eventually results in loss of employer-based health care, the major method most Americans receive their health care.
Furthermore, our expenses are low; we receive enough from Social Security and a small pension to live on.
Worse have been the number deaths from the virus. At the time of this writing, over 100,000 Americans have died from the current plague in a matter of months. To give you a good idea of how many this is, I include a picture of a stadium filled with 100,000 spectators:
Most of the deaths occurred in senior citizens. Many victims had underlying health conditions. The majority were men. In addition, the end-in-sight might be illusory. It is heart-rending.
I feel guilty. Age is like a bone spur, an excuse from enlisting. Once things go back to, more or less, normal, I can begin volunteering again. Until then, I must work on myself.
Regarding the one little person that I am, increased free time periodically results in rumination and depression. Retirees often suffer from loss of purpose and loss of self-worth; these have been compounded for me during this period of not being able to do many of the things that eased these tendencies during normal times.
It runs in the family. My father succumbed to depression in 1967, for instance. Feeling increasingly bad, I recently took an online questionnaire regarding depression. If one obtains a score of 27 or above, the guidelines stated, one should get immediate treatment. I scored 70! Admittedly, I don't feel all the time as bad as I did when I competed the questionnaire, but still... I knew something had to be done. Professional treatment is not an option for me, for various reasons. I decided, on Wednesday, May 27, 2020 to increase time spent in meditation by a factor of six, and document the results in this periodic meditation blog. What (as of yet, possibly) works for me, might work for you. Such is my hope.
A serious mood disorder, though common, is a real killer. Killer of pulses and killer of dreams. Suicide, the tip of a very cold iceberg, has been increasing in the United States, especially among those of my gender, age, and ethnic background. Depression is like climbing a difficult mountain; "normal" might be pushing oneself uphill at a difficult incline and with a lot of huffing and puffing. Then "cliffs of fall frightful, sheer, no man-fathomed" arise--Hopkins knew a thing or two about depression--when one is dizzy, alone, and scared to death; painfully clinging to a jagged boulder, what is one to do? Yes, Hopkins, the mind has mountains, but they are, thankfully, metaphorical. You might feel that you are hanging onto a rock with no way of climbing down, but that is not the case. Our lives are short; metaphorical cliffs are even more impermanent that we are. Yes, time smooths all internal precipices, but time, if one is so inclined, might also result in having to climb another deadly mountain. And another.
I have decided to enable mind to guide two feet to choose level ground for as long as possible. I decided to train better that entity which Hindus believe to be the source of everything.
3.
The type of meditation I have begun, and will continue to practice is called vipassana (insight) meditation. It is a very beautiful form of concentration, the benefits of which often spill over into daily life. More about this in later articles. I intend to spend two hours in meditation daily, in two hourly sessions.
I will use the Oxford Happiness Questionnaire to monitor progress, which is as follows.
1-strongly disagree
2-moderately disagree
3-slightly disagree
4-slightly agree
5-moderately agree
6-strongly agree
1. I don't feel particularly pleased with the way I am. (R)
2. I am intensely interested in other people.
3. I feel that life is very rewarding.
4. I have very warm feelings towards almost everyone.
5. I rarely wake up feeling rested. (R)
6. I am not particularly optimistic about the future. (R)
7. I find most things amusing.
8. I am always committed and involved.
9. Life is good.
10.I do not think that the world is a good place. (R)
11.I laugh a lot.
12.I am well satisfied about everything in my life.
13.I don't look attractive. (R)
14.There is a gap between what I would like to do and what I have done. (R)
15.I am very happy.
16.I find beauty is some things.
17.I always have cheerful effect on others.
18.I can fit in (find time for) everything I want to
19.I feel that I am not especially in control of my life. (R)
20.I feel able to take anything on.
21 I feel fully mentally alert.
22.I often experience joy and elation.
23.I don't find it easy to make decisions. (R)
24.I don't have a particular sense of meaning and purpose in my life. (R)
25.I feel I have a great deal of energy.
26.I usually have a good influence on events.
27.I don't have fun with other people. (R)
28.I don't feel particularly healthy. (R)
29.I don't have particularly happy memories of the past. (R)
Any question marked (R) must be scored in reverse.
Add the numbers for all 29 questions.
Divide by 29.
This is a very rough estimate of what is expected through insight meditation, so I will include some subjective feelings and findings to mark any improvement or deterioration. I estimate my score to be at the time I began to increase my meditation to be 1.7, or 'not happy'. Not surprised.
To be continued.
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